Control

i feel the need to blog about something that is on my heart.  I may not type well today because I have a hurt hand, in a cast.

i don't want to go into details about the fight, just so you know.  but there was a fight between my little sister and i.  well, not exactly.  i didn't fight with her, she fought by herself.  she got mad at me for something that I did, (actually she got mad for something that I wouldn't and COULDN'T do) and i will admit, i talked about her to my mom and she found out.  I figure the one person in the world i should be able to talk about my sister to is my mom, she will love her no matter what.  sometimes you just need to vent and get stuff out.  and you can't go to my sister and be honest with her, she gets mad and does this.  so actually, i would have been better off telling her the truth of the matter rather than my mom.  it turned out the same and it would have been more upstanding of me to do it that way.

how did she find out you ask?  it was done sneakily, and she wouldn't have found out if she wouldn't have done what she did.  that doesn't excuse me talking about her, but she wouldn't have known.

but she did it, and got mad.  now, she had a right to be mad.  what i said was the truth, but understandingly, she took offense to it.  then she dragged a mutual friend into it and that caused a bigger fight and I have lost that friend.

now my sister has told me not to contact her in any way.  she blamed me for things that were not even happening.

so this is hard for me.  i have spent my WHOLE life taking care of my little sister.  when she had problems i always helped her.  when she had situations with other people come up, i always stuck up for her.  and many times, i knew that she was in the wrong and even lying about it, but she's my little sister, so I did it.  i remember reading to her when she was too little to read.  i baby sat her and taught her how to ride her bike without training wheels and how to drive a stick-shift.  I've stuck by and supported her on things that i didn't agree with because she is my little sister.

little things happen almost every day and i want to call her and tell her. funny things, sad things, miraculous things, hurtful things and just things.  my kids miss their aunt tracy.  we don't see pictures of her, they don't get to talk to her on the phone, she didn't even call to tell my daughter happy birthday.  i guess that it is hard to call someone when you delete their phone numbers though.

so in her madness, she is hurting not only me, but my children as well.  i am not ok with that.  and now this morning i went to look at pictures of my niece and nephew, which i can't see now at all because she won't let me, at their daycare.  the daycare they go to has a facebook page and i can see pics of the kids there.  but when i went to check, i was no longer a "liker" of the page.  I know I didn't "un-like" it, so that means I was kicked out.  that hurts. 

here is what i have decided about the situation.  i can't control my sister.  i can only control me.  and i can control part of the situation.  so i have taken control.  how you may ask?  I can't contact her so does that mean i am going to?  nope.

I won't let it bother me.  I feel sadness about it, but i do not let it run my day.  when i think of her and i want to tell her something, i erase the thought and call a friend.  when i need to laugh about something to someone, i call a friend.  it's been well over a month since all of this has gone on.  i am still sad that it has all happened, but that sadness does not creep into my life.  I feel it, then move on.  i am in control of how i react to this situation, and i am not going to react.

putting myself in control takes away her power of the situation.  yes she is the one who laid down the rules, no contact.  but i am the one who decides how i follow the rules.  i will follow the no contact.  that includes my heart and my mind also.  if i am cut off and basically non-existent in her world, than that is how it will be.  so she can tell me not to call, text or email.  but i have to take that further to protect myself because this hurts.  

i had to blog about this because it's all been running through my mind.  but i have told myself that i am blessed with people who love me.  they don't lie to me and expect of me more than i can give.  they want to be in my life and in my children's life.  it's not a here one day, gone the next type of thing.  i have never not been able to talk to my sister.  this is a first.

my plan now?  to move on.  i have only one biological sister, but i have many other sisters.  sisters in Christ and sisters in the Lord.  my kids have aunts, biological and non.  my kids have cousins, biological and non.  we will survive this.

i will stay in control of this.  i have been in control of this.  if you had asked me two months ago how i would be not being able to have contact with my sister, i would have said a mess.  but in actuality, i've done quite well.  i miss her, but i won't let her get to me.  this is part of her manipulation and in won't buy into it.  i have better, more Godly things to worry about than something this petty.

there, i have stated how i feel and where i am going with this.  i feel better now.  i am so glad that i am firmly grounded in the Truth and His love.  It carries me through and lets me know that i can make it thru this.