Excuse Me While I Whine...

Yesterday we lost a very dear member of our family.  My cat, Hemi.  I had a very dear friend help me get him to the vet.  By the time I had gotten there, he was worse.  The vet said he didn't have another 30 minutes to live.  I had to put him to sleep.  It was an extremely hard decision to make.  
Standing in that office, all by myself, thinking of the other loved ones at home who are expecting him to come back home with me.
Standing in that office while the vet tells me there isn't much time left.
Standing in that office, praying, Lord Why?
Standing in that office knowing that I am going to have to tell him goodbye.
So I did.  I kissed him, told him that I loved him and I was so sorry.  Then I walked out.  A nice lady in the waiting room held me while I cried.  
Now the hard part, I have to drive home.  By myself.  Knowing the news that I have to give everyone at home.

.....

That drive home....my stomach twisted and turned.  Why do I have to do this Lord?  We're not ready to deal with this.

He tells me that it's not my choice.  He is in control.

Just before I turned into our road that leads to our driveway.  I said another prayer, "Lord I need strength right now to tell everyone.  Please be with us all and help them to be able to take the news."

I walked in the door and all eyes turned to me...

Greg asks,"Where's Hemi?"

I shook my head at him.  Tears filling my eyes.  Amanda turned to me.

"Where is Hemi, Mom?"

"He's not going to be coming home."

Now all the eyes that were on me are now wide.

"What?  You mean.....never?"  That last word....almost a whisper.

"Yes that's what I mean."

Now everyone is crying.  I hold the kids and Greg goes into the other room.  

Later, when I talked with Greg about the whole situation, he told me that they had all gathered around to pray.  Greg led the kids in a prayer and had them repeat after him.  They prayed that whatever happens is in God's hands and they would love Him no matter what.  When he said "Amen." he looked up, and I was in the driveway.  
The Lord definitely had stepped in there!  I was praying for help and strength, and Greg was praying for them.  At the same time!
So now I am so puffy-eyed this morning that I feel like I am even more squinty-eyed than usual.  I still need to cry.  I am not done mourning.  But I can't do it all the time with the kids here.  I have to show them that we must keep going.  There is still life to live.

And as Greg told us all yesterday...."Be thankful it wasn't one of us that it happened to."

I still don't understand why God wants us to deal with this now.  I probably never will.  But He thinks that we can, so we will.  It may be hard.  It will be hard.

I am still hearing noises that make me think of Messalina here.  How long is it going to be before I stop hearing Hemi?  I have heard him a few times this morning already.  And the kids will see Feisty far off and think it's Hemi and say, "There's Hemi!"  It's so sad.  Amanda said that this morning and Kyle says "Remember Amanda, Hemi isn't coming home."

I wish that I could just sit down and cry.  I was very close to that cat.  And I feel a lot of guilt.  Like I should have done something sooner.....I don't know.  I know that it wasn't my fault.  But those are the thoughts that go through your head.

There is a parade in town tonight and I told the kids that we could go.  I might have to put some make up on just to cover up my blotchy skin and puffy eyes.  And maybe that will help me to feel better while we are out.  I don't want to go out.  I want to stay here, bundle up, curl up and cry.  

That can't be healthy......

So I won't do it.  I will get up and move on.